Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
