apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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