I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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