Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize