I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
