I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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