ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
