Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
