maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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