When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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