just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
