cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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