He asked to "fluff my boner.."
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
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