Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
