i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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