My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
