He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
