dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
