bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
