Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he puts the penis in happiness.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
