I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
