At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
