i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I CAN MOONWALK!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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