So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
