I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
