you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She's the barista slut.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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