I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
