TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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