I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
