My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
