I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
