Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
