I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
