I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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