just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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