apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
All I want is dick and wine.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
