im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
