matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
