I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
lol hangovers are for mortals.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
