I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
