look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
