I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
