one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
