I hate your face
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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