He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
