He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
