Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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