2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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