Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
