that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
