If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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