My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
