I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
