You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Fuck appropriateness.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
