90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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