I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
