we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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