I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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