blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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